Zadoc Speaks - August 14th, 2003

I have deleted several posts on the Zadoc...and the Nightmare forum (including the original post that I myself had made) due to those posts being offensive, tedious, and inappropriate for the nature of this website. These posts had to do with an evening that Az, his girlfriend, former Nightmare keyboarist Ambrosia, and myself, who went out to have a good time and support our friends in the bands Small Girl Boils Water and the Born Again Savages. We came to this show only to have a good time and to support local music. Instead we were treated to the childish antics of one of our former guitarists (and one of my former friends). In my initial post I was angry and I violated my own rules of conduct for the forum. As stated:

"While we appreciate your comments and even criticsms, please be respectful of others and refrain from using profanity, flaming, and bashing of other users. Whereas we may not all agree with eachother or may not all be fans of the band, remember that everyone has the right to their own opinions and we should all be allowed to express those opinions without belittling other people and their right to an opinion."

I offer an apology to anyone I may have offended, including the parties that incited the incident and inspired me to write the offending post to begin with. Although I still find the actions of my former bandmate disgusting, immature, and offensive, spouting off as I did was just about as bad as what my former bandmate had done.

After deleting his replies (and one made by his wife) due to the violation of the same rules, I realised that my post was no better than theirs. I have taken the liberty once again to ban the new IP address that they posted from as this wasn't a first violation of the rules from this individual.

I also had no intention on replying to his and her posts, but I have reconsidered and will do so below, although I will edit their posts for content reasoning as it contains a few personal attacks. I have decided to reply on this seperate page instead of the forum to give my former guitarist an opportunity to read my reply seeing as he has been banned from the forum.

For those of you who are tired of reading these nonsensical posts and my redundant replies to this individual, I invite you to skip ahead to my closing statements by clicking here.

Below I have marked the post by my former friend in yellow, while my replies are marked in red.

I really didn't want to post on your web site again,man.
I can safely say that we didn't want you to post onto the forum again either. That was the whole reasoning behind banning your IP address.

I don't even really care to speak with you to be honest.
Now we have two things that we have mutual feelings about.

First,we are not on good terms,
That wasn't too apparent prior to the event in question. Since we stopped working together (and before the night in question) you have called my house in May and left a message on my answering machine asking me to sing for your new band, sent me an e-mail wishing us good luck on our show at Bleachers on July 5th, and we corresponded through a few civil e-mails prior to this event. I do have those e-mails and your answering machine messages saved complete with the dates and times you conatcted me if you need reminding.

if that wasn't apparent when I looked you right in the face and told you to leave me alone. As for being stuck up,you are not one to talk.
While it may have been possible that you may have muttered "Leave Me Alone" under your breath and I didn't hear it, in no way did you look me in the face at all. Infact, you did quite the opposite. I extended my hand to give you a handshake and you looked in the opposite direction as though I wasn't there. Afterwards I shrugged it off and did just what you claimed to have asked me - I returned to the other side of the club where I was sitting and "left you alone."

I don't want to associate with 'Az',let alone talk to him. The Wife is good friends with his older sister,and any communication between them is on the contrary.
Speaking for Az myself, I can safely say once again that the feeling is mutual for him as well.

We would not tell him or anyone to ''Die''.That is not in the proper motive to the will.I told you that you suck,yes,so get over yourself,man.
So may I ask just what is "the proper motive of the will?" Spitting on people? Telling me that I suck because I have more ethics than to play in a band with you ever again? Making harassing phone calls? E-mailing me and calling my house after I have asked you to cease all contact with me resulting in having me have to call the police and report your e-mails to the hotmail staff to get you to stop?

I can safely say you won't find another guitarist like myself.
If finding another guitar player like yourself means to endure another childish imbecile harassing me and my current bandmates, spitting on people, doing drugs in my home after repeated requests not to, stealing from me, threatening to punch our drummer, I hope you're right.

Before you go telling stories get it streight
Maybe you might want to follow your own advice. I can't even count how many times your stories have changed just on the forum on this website alone. It looks like your about to stumble into another contradiction below...Let's look at what you had to say and what your wife posted right afterwards. I'll mark her quote in pink.

..I spit on the ground near Ambrosia,not her shoe.I pay taxes,it's a free country,I can spit on the sidewalk.
If she wasn't standing there peering at my every move she wouldn't have this hype to get you all huffed on.
this is the former bandmates wife and it was I who spit in the (expletive removed)'s face not him. and yes you know very well that I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HER.

So...I'm a little confused here. You say you didn't spit on her but on the ground next to her shoe, your wife claim's to have spit in her face, and Ambrosia claims that you spit on her shoe. While I didn't witness this spitting contest (by the way, is this "the proper motive of the will?" Just curious...) it seems like you and your wife have different stories from eachother as well as a different story from Ambrosia. Just who is the one who can't get their story straight here?

While we're on the subject of my former guitarist's wife, I'll comment on the rest of her post while we're at it, as it's rather brief. Once again, her quotes will be marked in pink.

I also did not appreciate the fact that you asked him to keep the fact that she was in the band at the same time as him with all that she put my family through.
Now this is completely untrue. Before I hire a new musician I always consult the rest of the band before I hire them. Before we rehired Ambrosia, I told my former guitarist while driving him home from a rehearsal that our former keyboardist wanted to return to the band, and I asked him if he had any problems with her. I realise fully well that Ambrosia has a pretty sorid history with a few people I know from 'the old days'. I have had my own share of problems with her myself that we had finally gotten over after five years of not speaking to eachother. I was unsure if my former guitarist had issues with her himself, which is why I had asked him if he objected working with her. He told me that he could work with her and if he had told me otherwise, I would not have rehired her.
Now it would be awfully silly of me to ask him to '
keep the fact that she was in the band' with him a secret and then announce right on the front page of our website (complete with a photograph of her, mind you) that she infact had returned to the band. If I wanted to keep such a big secret don't you think that the possibility of you or one of your friends and family seeing the website would have crossed my mind? Now you and your husband may consider me to be a raving egomaniac or whatever choice words you may have, but I'm certainly not stupid. While I would understand your frustration if any of what you claimed was true, it just simply isn't. Nor does it make any sense that I would ask for such a big 'secret' to be kept while making a big hoopla about it on the front page of the website. Infact, if you care to look, the announcement is STILL on our front page, check it our right here. If by any chance you think that I just put her photograph and that announcement up today to make myself look good, search the page using Google and click on the cached page. A cached page is a stored copy of a webpage used by search engines and proxy servers and usually winds up being about 2-3 weeks older than the current copy. Click here to see the cached page of our front page using the Google search engine.

That first guitar was a gift to you that Dan sold,Remember.I have an Ironbird that I play.I guess generosity is not something you understand.I wasn't trying to impress you.A guitar is a great gift to give any to anyone.I felt like we were growing into powerful stars together,and that was a token of the rock n' roll lifestyle we all should have.I appreciate you being thoughtful by returning the generosity and giving me a gift in return.As i said,generosity is probably something you don't understand very well,yet.
That "first guitar" so to speak, as I recall was purchased after you sold one of your own guitars. After you were fired from the band in 2000, you asked for it back and Dan refused to give it back. He said that you claimed it was a gift to the band (in which later you agreed). This was the first I ever heard of this guitar being a 'gift' and to me, it didn't equate right. It was too expensive of a gift for your income to afford to part with in my opinion, and the guitar in question wasn't something I was overly fond of playing anyway. When Dan moved out he took that guitar with him and sold it. I felt badly about you losing an investment into an instrument and gave you one of my own guitars that you enjoyed playing in return. I was in no way obligated to give you that guitar, the dispute was and is between you and Dan - I played no role in that. I gave you my guitar as a token of friendship and sympathy as I felt you didn't deserve to be swindled as such. While that may have been the most generousity I have shown you in regards to monetary value, when you were a part of the band it certainly wasn't the only bit of generousity I have shown either. I think we can fairly say that "generousity is probably something you don't understand very well" either.

The only thing sad is the way you need to be the center of every idea the band generates.
Just what 'ideas' exactly are you referring to? Do you mean the songs in our repretoire? I have written and/or cowritten every piece of material we've recorded and performed. The only songs that I only contributed to in a minor role were: Away (written by Kirk Brinley, Rich Hough and myself - where I contributed the lyrics only) and Paper Dollz (written by SINdy Crucifix - whereas I only added a few extra verses, SINdy plays his original version still without my additions in his project Children of Apathy, and it is still a rocking piece, I might add). I certainly would have welcomed more collaboration if it had been given. Sadly, since the old band from 1997 was disbanded the contributions from other band members have really only been in arranging and playing their parts slightly different than from what was originally arranged, or from the musicians who played them previously. Most of our songs were already written and complete before you had even arrived. The rest were written between the time you were fired and later rehired over a year later. I wrote absolutely nothing while you were an active member of the band because I was too busy playing babysitter and mediator for all the temper tantrums you instigated with Dark Cloud, Illin', Ambrosia, SINdy, Steve Moore, Elliot, RaYzor, Animal, and even producer Gary Dobbins.
As for song contributions that came from members other than myself during your tenure, there were only two: you donated an incomplete song which was never finished, and Ambrosia donated a song that our bass player never bothered to learn. Henceforth, they were never performed or recorded. Never once have I claimed credit for something I that didn't write, nor has it ever been my intent to belittle any contribution (regardless of how major or minor it may have been) that any of my bandmates have submitted.
Infact, how about backing up your allegations and show everyone some shred of evidence (be it written, posted anywhere on this website, on any of our CD's, on audio tape, or on video tape) to the contrary?

I wanted to inspire you and hopefully be inspired back.I won't try to take credit for someone else's intellectual property like some other people,Nathan.
Like I said, I fail to see anywhere where I have claimed credit for anything that I didn't do myself. Check out the various graveyard entries and you will see that I have accredited those for what they have contributed. Check out the Song Library and you should see that everyone who has contirbuted to the songwriting is accredited for as well. Again, how about showing everyone where I have taken credit for something I didn't create?
On the otherhand, I can show you who owns the copyright and publishing rights to each song in our repretoire.

About a half hour later the former guitarist made a second post which I will similarily respond to marking the text in the same manner as I did with the first post - his postings are marked in yellow, while my replies are marked in red.

It seems like your trying to instigate a fight or arguement with me,Nate.
It's kind of funny that I felt the same way when I'm continually harassed over the phone, through e-mail, and postings on the forum on the website (especially after you've been asked numerous times not to contact me in any way shape or form as I will involve the police, hotmail e-mail account staff, and a lawyer if you persist.) If I really need to get a restraining order against you to get my point across, I will.

I looked you right in the face abd told you to ''StAy ThE **** AwAy FrOm Me''...Did you forget.You turned pale and ran away,dude.
Did I forget what? Well, for starters, most of that didn't happen that way at all, except maybe in your own little delusional mind. I have addressed that above about you looking me in the face, and that certainly didn't happen. If you did say "'StAy ThE **** AwAy FrOm Me'' as you claim, you either mumbled it under your breath or said it after my back was turned because I didn't hear anything remotely close to that being said to me. I would think that with you being such an angry, bitter, little person you would have bellowed "StAy ThE **** AwAy FrOm Me" as loud enough for everyone in the bar to hear. As for me "turning pale" I don't think I could turn a lighter shade of pale even if I did have something to be fearful of. It would take a bit more than you refusing to shake my hand for me to 'run away'. Again, as usual, your tales of events always seem to differ from everyone elses.

I could give a **** less about you or your lame attempt to insult me.
Another mutual feeling as I stopped caring about you and your own lame attempts to insult me months ago. While I admit that I was wrong in how I had phrased my post, I (and many other of my band members past and present) have put up with your abuse and childish behavior for long enough and I do have my breaking point, especially when it comes to something as neanderthal-like as spitting on people. But still, that is no excuse for me to indulge into "the proper motive of the will" as you have so aptly coined your own behavior.

Stop talking smack about me and just get the idea out of your head that you are intimidating to me.
If you could possibly act like a normal civilized human being for once, and get on with their life instead of living vicariously through attempts at harassing me, my band, and my friends perhaps I wouldn't have resorted to "the proper motive of the will." As for intimidation, we've found another mutual agreement. Funny how many times in this argumentative debate we seem to have some common ground. Call me an egotist, a dictator, what-have-you all you want to your friends and family, but if you persist on leaving nasty phone messages, harassing e-mail, harassing me or my friends and family in public places I will involve the proper law enforcement authorites. I have asked you to stop doing these things and that is fair enough warning to you, and whatever consequence you may recieve will be duly deserved. If you see me in public, just keep to your side of the street, and I'll keep to mine.

I don't need to act like a tough guy,I was showing you how bitter I am at your greed and poor judgement,I do have feelings.You seem to forget that.
Go ahead and be bitter about things all you want, just leave other people alone. After your initial refusal of my handshake, I stayed on the other side of the club away from you with Az and his girlfriend. I can't speak for Ambrosia, but neither Az, his girlfriend, or I said a single word to you afterwards. When Az and his girlfriend went to use the restrooms or to the bar, YOU were the one walking up to them. I saw you walk by them several times with my own eyes. When we left the club, you followed us out to show us your 'heroics'. Regardless of Ambrosia's alleged 'stalking' there are better ways (that don't happen to be illegal) to handle a situation than spitting.
As for you "
having feelings" and about me "forgetting that", practice what you preach. I have only been reactionary in regards to your abusive, threatening, and harassing behavior. You have been making harassing posts, phone calls, and e-mails and then whining and crying like a toddler anytime I have replied to you, trying to make yourself out like you're some sort of 'victim'. That's about as stupid as whacking a dog over the head with a stick and then crying for sympathy because you got bit.

Dude,Tom was standing right there when I spit on the ground in front of Ambrosia.He watched me spit,then we hit eachother in the fist saying'L8ter,man'.
I really doubt that sequence of events happened exactly as you are trying to portray them seeing as Tom is a good friend of Ambrosia. Just out of curiousity, perhaps I'll ask him about this the next time I see him...infact, maybe I just might drop by the place where he works tonight.

You,yourself,are not an intimidating person,Physically or Mentally.
I noticed you ommitted 'legally'. I really don't care if you're feeling threatened or not, I just want your nonsensical and childish harassment and assault to stop. I'm simply stating that I will not tolerate your harassment or abuse and I will prosecute if need be.

If you don't mind,please stop talking about me on your lil' web site.
If you stopped posting here and harassing me, my bandmates, my friends, and my family, we would gladly stop talking about you. While the wording I used in the post that I made was inappropriate, I only posted it for two reasons. 1) I knew you would read it and I wanted to enforce to you that I'm not kidding around when I said that I will not tolerate any more of your harassment. 2) Because you yourself haven't listened to any of my requests to 'cease contact with me' past or present until someone else intervenes (like the when the police had to years back,) I was hoping that possibly a mutual friend might read that post and realise who we were talking about and convince you to knock it off.
Now I'm sure that you've peeked your head in here from time to time after I stopped working with you (due to the fact that the website's hit counters have IP logging and I know your IP addresses - plus you did make one slightly civil posting on the forum on July 8th) so I'm sure that you have noticed that when you're not being harassing to any of us...BINGO...No one talks about you here!! Simple equation, if you could simply shut your trap long enough and leave us all alone then noone would be "
talking about you on our lil' web site."

If I see you in the future please just stay away from me,ok.
If you agree to do the same, we have a deal.

I don't want to associate with you
Yet another mutual agreement.

and this will,hopefully,be my last post here ever again,Nathan.
I doubt it, you seem to really get a kick out harassing people and having them reply to your babbling long-winded posts. My guess is that you secretly feel somewhat important by doing so. With any luck, hopefully it will be your last post...and amen to that.

Your greed and poor judgement are obvious due to your self absorbed attitude about how you supposedly create an origional project after you take the ideas from exsisting members,at the time,and then don't acknowledge them for it.
I've addressed the songwriting concerns up above, so if by chance you're speaking of your artwork and the proper credit for the instruments you played on the album then perhaps you should take a closer look at the credits for the "Beyond Our Eyes" CD, the only published CD of the band to feature your artwork and guitar work. Here, let's all look closer, I'll show you just incase you've destroyed the copy that I gave you out of an insane fit of rage and anger...

Wow...look at that! (Take note that the 'smudge' is where our former guitarist is credited on the CD) Everyone that worked on the CD is actually credited for what they did and not just me! So could you be saying that I didn't do the "Vocals, lead and rhythm guitars, bass guitar, drums and drum machine programming, and sequencing"? I'm sure SINdy Crucifix, Dan (aka D.D. Nightmare), and even Steve Moore would vouch for me by saying that those credits up above seem to be correct. (Note: This CD can still be purchased through MP3.com if anyone wants to insure that I didn't just produce those credits up above just for the sake of looking genuine for this response. It takes about a week for the graphics that appear on and inside the CD to be approved by the staff at MP3.com if you submit changes, so any CD's purchased before August 17th would appear exactly as they were before the former guitarist's posting on August 10th)

You also helped with the concept of the album as well as provided the artwork...so let's look a bit further down the credits underneath the musicians to see if maybe my ego has decided to take credit for your ideas...

Well, I'll be! Your 'smudge' seems to be listed alongside of the crediting for the "Cover design and Concept" alongside of D.D. Nightmare and myself, so it doesn't seem as though my ego has taken all the credit for that. Perhaps maybe my nasty little credit stealing ego has claimed credit for your hand drawn artwork... Nope. Skipping down we can clearly see that familiar 'smudge' being credited soley for the "Hand-drawn illustrations". Perhaps you're suggesting that possibly I shouldn't be credited for "Recording, Producing, Mixing, and Engineering"? I don't think that anyone else involved with this particular CD would argue that I was the only one who touched that recording console during the entire recording; and you were fired before the final mixing sessions. I can also safely say that I don't think anyone could lay claim to the "Inside sleeve design work and concepts, CGI, layout, or the multimedia programming". Well, it seems that I'm having a rough time trying to find where I may have taken ideas from previous band members and claimed them for my own. Maybe someone else could clarify this for me?

Never once when I was in the band did I hear you tell anyone how I begged and pleaded with you to change the name of the band from Zadoc Vampire Theater to Zadoc and the Nightmare.
Once again, you are exagerating things a little and confusing your stories, my former friend. What you "begged and pleaded with me to change" was infact the band's logo and not the band's name.
While you and I discussed what to change the band's name to on a car ride back home to your house, it was I who suggested dropping the "Vampire Theatre" tagline. My reasoning was this: to me Zadoc: Vampire Theatre was and will always be Dark Cloud, Kirk Brinley, Joe "The Jester", Jeff Densmore, Steve Moore, and myself. When I quit the project in 1997 I agreed to let the remaining former members keep that name AND all of the songs we cowrote, taking with me only the songs I wrote alone into my next project which I had named 'The Seventh Sin'. About a month later 'Zadoc: Vampire Theatre' failed to make any progress without me and disbanded. After about six months I had decided to disband 'The Seventh Sin' due to the inability of Steve Moore and Dan to get along amonst other things. During that timr alot of people had wondered why we wouldn't play some of their favorite songs such as 'The End of Time', 'Brotherhood of Death', and 'Insanity' so when Dan and I reformed with Joe "The Jester" we decided after a bit of discussion on ressurrecting 'Zadoc: Vampire Theatre'. When Joe left due to his expectancy of being a father and needing to relocate to Nevada, Steve Moore was coaxed back into the project and followed later by Kirk Brinley. Steve ofcourse, found his way out of the project by getting fired for the umpteenth time and Kirk quit in August of 1999. While we did play a handfull of shows under the name 'Zadoc: Vampire Theatre' when you joined us in late October, things just didn't feel right.

Here I was with a fresh new group of musicians, none of whom were around when any of the 'classic' songs were written, none of whom submitted their own material or contributed to the current or past material, none of whom I grew up with and shared the same dream of building this band and taking it as far as we could. All of them were simply playing the parts of the musicians before them and the newer songs had a different feel from the older stuff....it just didn't feel the same, or for that matter, right for me to continue dragging the name 'Vampire Theatre' through the mud without any of the guys who helped build that band being around anymore. In addition the I felt that we were heading in a new direction, and especially with the prospect of having you on board, envisioning future collaborations I felt we needed a change in the namesake.

As for the logo, you would be correct in stating that you had to beg and plead for me to want to change it. There was alot of pride in that original logo that Kirk Brinley, our friend Nico Gerritsen, and I designed. We used it before the 'Vampire Theatre' days and modified it when we plunged into the name change. I still felt it could have been used to ensure continuity of an evolution from the older versions of the band. But in the end you (and Dan who was pestering me just as much about it as you were) won out and we changed the logo to a design that Dan made, you illustrated, and I fixed and completed using computers.

So even the things you're implying that you've created yourself, you didn't without the aid of Dan and myself. You even rather lamely tried to start a band with the guitar player from my old Black Sabbath tribute band and tried to convince him to rename the project "The Nightmare".

Instead you ******* about it that it was hoaky then you do something stupid like put three periods after your name.Obviously another feeble attempt to put yourself in a more promenant state than your bandmates.
No, it's just a personal preference. I happen to really like the 'trailing dots' (you can see from the punctuation of the title of our 1997 realease "...As the Curtain Falls..." - both Dark Cloud and myself thought that the dramatic pauses were very fitting) just as you SeEm To LiKe SpeLliNg EvErY ThInG LiKe A fIrSSt gRaDeRr wHo sCrIbBleS iN CrAyOnS bY cHaNgInG bAcK aNd fOrTh BeTwEeN cApITaL aNd lOwEr CaSe lEtTeRS aT rAnDoM. (Just my own personal opinion, but when coupled with your lousy spelling it seems to look alot dumber than my abuse of three poor little periods)

Who knows, maybe I (or my current bandmates) may decide to change the band's name in the future if I feel the band has a different feeling to me. Maybe we might decide to change it just to get you to shut up...nah...

No disrespect intended to the musicians I played with from 1998 to the present, but I have handled the songwriting single handedly in that time frame, I've financed almost all of our costs in materials, photographs, CD production costs, guitar strings, picks, props, P.A. rentals, security deposits, transportation, etc., etc. So, honestly I don't see much of a problem with putting my own name on this project. I'm not at all saying that the musicians from 1998 onwards didn't contribute anything, but I think my efforts have been a bit more significant than of those around me. Maybe by your psychotic rationale Ozzy Osbourne, Dio, Alice Cooper, Iggy and the Stooges, Lenny Kravitz, Dokken, Slash's Snakepit, and Marilyn Manson are/were all just "Obviously making feeble attempts to put themselves in a more promenant state than their bandmates" too. Maybe we should all take cues from Trent Reznor and name our respective bands (that just about almost border on being solo projects) to something nondescript like 'Nine Inch Nails' in order not offend the musically politically correct.

I can see your attached to the idea now that I'm gone from your line-up.
No, I was attached to the idea since we first renamed the band to 'Zadoc...and the Nightmare'. Since then it has been punctuated without those 'trailing dots' that seem to offend you oh so much on fliers, in playbills in the Newtimes, inadvertantly by people who post onto our forum and guestbook, as well as numerous other places. Do I go spastic when someone decides to punctuate the band's name as 'Zadoc & the Nightmare' or 'Zadoc and the Nightmare'? Not at all. Heck, most of the time I just glad that they've managed to spell my name correctly. It's simply just a personal preference to add my favorite trailing dots. Infact, maybe I'll use them right now...and again...and again...and again...

Niether one of us owns the English language.nuff' said.
Is anyone else that just read that as confused as I am as to what that has to do with the price of tea in China?

Don't ever call me a Jackass,Retard or anything else you might call your wife and friends to my face.
As I've said previously, while I admit that it was out of line for me to resort to the 'proper motive to the will' I have removed the offending post from the site. While your behavior has been rather awkward and childish since we've stopped working together, I really don't have to resort to name calling when people can simply make their own conclusions about you after reading some of your bizarre, insulting, 'truth' conflicting posts.

Again,just pretend I don't exsist,I got used to that behavior from you early on and I am rather comfortable with that train of thinking,Nathan.
If you "got used to that behavior from me early on and are rather comfortable with that train of thinking" then why can't you just stop leaving messages on my answering machine, sending me harassing e-mails, and posting on the forum of this website after I have obviously made it quite clear to you that it's unwelcomed? It's hard to "pretend you don't exsist" when everytime that I feel we've moved on and forgotten about you, you decide to harass me (and others) some more.

Stop the threats,namecalling,bashing,and the usual 'wholesome'activities you normally attend to.
If you can agree to stop the bashing, harassing, and your own usual 'wholesome activities you normally attend to' I'll gladly refrain from following up with my 'threats' of calling the police. I think your idea of staying away from eachother is perfect if you can actually manage to obide by it yourself.

You keep telling me that I am treatening you,when you are the one calling me names...now,excuse me,who's the retard.
Well I have had to put up with you making harassing phone calls, had to call the police on you to get you to stop, I've been having to forward your e-mails that you've sent to my account (the ones you've sent after I've asked you to stop) to your mail-server's postmaster as you've been violating your hotmail user agreement, I've put up with you threatening to punch my bandmates, I've had to put up with you doing drugs on my property after I've asked you not to, I've had to put up with other band members quitting due to their unwillingness to work with you, I've had to put up with your temper tantrums in the recording studio (between me, Illin', SINdy, and Gary Dobbins), and finally after you harass my friends and spit on one of them (or according to your wife, she did it for you) I finally lost my temper and called you a bad name. While it was still wrong for me to do so, I almost think that I deserve a medal for everything that I have tolerated from you before I finally lost my cool.

When you refer to me in the 3rd person,you are making a spectical of me.Not I.
When I refer to you as 'our former guitar player' I'm doing so because it really isn't anyone's business which guitar player you might be. Those who know you well enough (as well as the band and your history in it) know full well who I'm referring to - and those who don't (they probably don't care, but...) I would prefer not to call you out by name to. When I refered to you in the post in question, I chose not to use your name just as I reserved that same right not to use the name of the former band member who burglarised my house.

Despite the things you've done and how you've acted there is still a respect for a former friend and a good musician. We may not like eachother and we may have 'different perspectives' on what happened in the past, but I am not going to lie and say that 'you suck' simply because I find you to be childishly annoying. You were and always will be a fine guitarist in my eyes, and at one time I thought of you as a good friend. I have alot of respect for your work in your previous band as well having confidence that you could still do a fine job in your future projects. The fond memories I have of our former friendship and past musical creativeness together prevent me from outright hating you. In my honest opinion - you're a fine musician and I regret our parting on a musical and creative level...but as a human being, you just aren't worth the aggravation for me to even consider working with you ever again.

My bitterness is bizzare and that's something it dosn't take a genius to understand.
No, I would think it would take a psychoanalysist with a degree specialising in mental illness to understand your bitterness.

To those of you who actually decided to read the posts from my former guitar player that I responded to above in their entireity (as well as possibily having read the previous posts that have been argued through on the forum in the past) you probably have a good idea of what I sometimes wind up going through with a few of my former bandmates (which sadly, sometimes also wind up being my former friends.)

Being a musician sometimes has it's dark points when it comes to dealing with other musicians. Some of the most brilliant, creative, and hardworking minds can just as easily be troubled, immature, obsessive harassing, and destructive minds. Over the course of this band's history, I've worked with over 30 different musicians, and some of them even on multiple occasions. Some were fired, some left on their own accord, but for the most part almost everyone I've worked with has contributed some piece of legacy to this band's 11 year history. For that alone I have respect for everyone I've worked with over the years even if that respect is not mutually shared, and even if I dislike someone as a person.

When someone leaves the band either by their own will or by the will of myself or the band, I try not to take things on a personal level, even if we might have a disagreement about how I run this business. I realise that at times I can be very rigid and demanding with the way this band is run and not everyone I work with will agree with my decisions. If and when it becomes too much for any one of my bandmates to deal with, I try to come to an understanding with them when it comes time for us to part ways. For the most part I've had good success with keeping a civility with most of my former bandmates, and some of them are still my close friends.

Others, unfortunately, feel the need to target me as the source of their hostilities and have gone over the line from simply disliking or hating me, the band, and anything or anybody remotely connected to us. I have had to call the police to stop threatening phone calls, I've had my house burglarised, I have had people steal from me while either living at my home or rehearsing there, I have had to deal with people attempting to slander me to other musicians, club owners, friends, and even my family in attempt to damage my reputation or that of the band, and now I've had someone spit on my friend in a public place.

Somedays I really wonder why I'm still into being a part of the music field at all. I ask myself sometimes if it's really worth being victimised for the sake of my own creativity.

It's times like those that I remember why I fell in love with writing and creating music in the first place. To me, the songs I have written, cowritten, and have yet to write, have always been a vessel to release my anger, frustration, sadness, excitement, and pain. Performing those songs for an audience releases all of those feelings and brings them to life for a brief moment so that other people can relate and release their own feelings. There is a common bond shared between the musicians and the audience in those brief few minutes as we're taken away from our daily troubles and the boredoms that come with everyday life.

If I were to abandon my dreams for the sake of shutting up a small minority of bitter, troubled, juevenile individuals, they would finally win whatever agenda they have against me and the rest of the band. That will be the last thing that I will let them have is my pride and my integrity.

While sad and hurtfull that any of my former friends and bandmates could feel so overtly powerful and vindicated by acting vengeful against my band, my fellow bandmates, my friends, my family, my home, and even myself, they will never break my spirit. And that spirit will live on as Zadoc...and the Nightmare.

-Z-